The Royal Pet

This is a picture of my cat William taken about four years ago when we still lived in Orlando. The King and I adopted him from a Petsmart store. He was so cute and tiny then, reaching through the bars of his cage. He reminded us of Mel Gibson at the end of Braveheart when he was being drawn and quartered and all he could choke out was "Freedom!" Yes, we named our cat William Wallace in honor of that movie.

Mostly he is my cat. He's not stupid, he knows who bothers to feed him and scoop his litter box. It's nice when he comes to sit by me and when he jumps on my bed at three in the morning purring his little orange head off, asking for some attention, I feel like he loves me.

But then there are times, like just now, when he will sit across the room and stare at you with squinting eyes and you are sure he is thinking of ways to kill you and then dispose of your body.

The Dreaded Dentist

I took the Prince to the dentist today for the first time. Yes, I know he's five and I'm just now taking him. Shame on me. Considering my first dental exam was when I was twenty-five, I think I'm doing pretty damn good. (Hey, my parents didn't have insurance so I had to wait until I was employed and insured to go. No cavities at twenty-five anyway, so there.)

It went pretty much the way I though it was going to go. I have to drag my son into the bathroom every morning to brush his teeth. It is not his favorite thing in the world. I have no idea why. He's got a SpongeBob rotating toothbrush and we went through just about every brand/flavor toothpaste until we found a flavor that was acceptable. But still. I knew this was going to be an endeavor and it was.

He tried to say he had a stomach ache while we were in the car. He freaked while they were trying to take the x-rays. The poor girl finally gave up and said we could do them next time. He freaked when the chair started going up. He cried and cried these really big fat tears and there was nothing I could do to make him feel better. We got him calmed down enough so she could do the cleaning and the dentist came over to do his short little exam. The whole time I was thinking this is the same kid who had his tonsils out last spring and never took any pain medication but is frightened beyond belief of opening his mouth for a toothbrush. Go figure! In the end we got a good report, a toy, a bright orange toothbrush and a tube of toothpaste with some floss.

When we were leaving the office the receptionist said, "See you in six months" and the Prince turned to me and said, "I am never going back there."

We'll see.

A Lovely Trip, Or Why I'm Shopping Online Next Time

We drove to Springfield on Saturday with the sole purpose of going to Babies R Us. I know. We are insane. I guess I am a little spoiled from having lived in Orlando with it's endless retail possibilities and I am more than a little frustrated with the lack of selection in the stores around here. A few things here, a few things there, but nothing that screams look at us, we have more baby stuff than you thought was humanly possible. So we drove. Two hours. For baby stuff.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that I'm a total goof because all I had to do was go on whoever's website and a million and one baby items would just pop up and all I would have to do is point and click and give out my credit card number and they would actually bring the stuff I bought straight to my front door. King is against this because he is terrified of someone getting a hold of his credit card number and going on a shopping spree. I don't like shopping online because I like to actually touch what ever it is I'm buying to see if I like it or not. I'd rather not buy something, have it delivered and then hate it and have to go through the trouble of shipping it back.

About halfway to Springfield my son started whining from the back seat, "I'm hungreeeee". Score zero for mom who didn't think to bring a snack for the ride. Oh, we brought the Leapster and a Star Wars book to occupy him, but we forgot to bring the one thing that means more to our son than anything. Food.

So we get to Babies R Us, buy the stroller and pack and play we needed and head over to Burlington Coat Factory because they had the crib bedding pattern that I wanted. Only this particular Burlington Coat Factory doesn't have a baby department, contrary to what it says on their website. Bastards! Back to Babies R Us to pick out something they had. Stop at Burger King on the way to stop the noise coming from the back seat. Get back to Babies R Us, pick out a cute crib bedding set only to get to the check out and find that their system has crashed and they aren't accepting credit cards! By now I am beginning to suspect the shopping gods are against me. They tell me they can accept a check so King writes a check. Except, unbeknown to us since we never write checks, our bank has this security thing in place where if the check is over a certain dollar amount the girl needs to call the bank for authorization. I'm not kidding, this took freakin' forever! I was so hungry I was getting dizzy. I was also a little cranky because when we were at Burger King I told King I was fine eating there, but he said he wanted to go someplace else.

Finally, we got our stuff and left. We drove around Springfield passing perfectly wonderful looking restaurants, but King wanted to go someplace that was unique to Springfield, like not a chain. Every place he suggested looked like a dive, so I used my 'I'm pregnant and not in the mood for that kind of food' veto. By this time we're about to kill each other because we're both hungry beyond rational thought, and he was like fine, we're going home and I was like, you have to stop somewhere because I really have to pee! We stopped. At a chain. A Golden Corral that was so crowded my crazy kicked in full gear. I only made one trip to the buffet because I was paralyzed and hyperventilating. Not one of my better dining experiences.

When we got home I went to bed. I wanted that day to be over. On the bright side I got the baby stuff I wanted. The end.

Crap Posts, Drywall and Eyebrow Waxing, Oh My!

I started to write a post just now, got half way through it and decided it was total CRAP and then I deleted it.

So I am going to tell you that the men who put up drywall are supposed to come today to start their portion of the work that is being done in the basement. I'm told this is the really messy part. It is going to be messy for about two weeks. My husband keeps telling me this because he knows that I have a slight case of OCD and I think he is worried that I will follow these guys around with the vacuum cleaner. ( I won't, I'll wait until they leave for the day to vacuum.)

I went to get my eyebrows waxed yesterday at the Urbana Meijer. I went to the nail salon that they have. It was the best eyebrow wax I've ever had! The wax wasn't burning hot when the girl applied it and best of all, it didn't hurt when she pulled it off. I always brace myself for the excruciating pain that comes when they pull the strip off, so there I was, waiting for it and I was like holy crap, that really didn't hurt. The only thing (and this ALWAYS happens) is when they start to tweeze the stray hairs that didn't come off on the wax strip. This somehow really aggravates my sinuses and my nose starts running and my eyes tear and I have no control over it. Really embarrassing. But after she gave me a tissue, she applied this cold gel and then a compress over my eye area and proceeded to massage my head for a few minutes. I never wanted to leave. My eyebrows look darn good too! Best part, only $8!

Today is the first day of Spring. Hooray, now it's official. The cold weather can just suck it and go away. I want to open my windows.

Monday

Just a few things...

We are finishing our basement. When we built the house we had the builders "rough in" the plumbing in the basement in case we ever decided to have it finished. Friday, the plumbers came to do their thing and they discovered that some genius poured concrete in one of the pipes and they told me they would have to come back Monday (today) to jack hammer it out. Oh joy, but what could I do? It had to be done, right? So this morning the plumbers arrive promptly at 8:15. All I can say is thank God I had to take the Prince to school and then I had a doctor's appointment because THE NOISE!!!!! OMFG, THE NOISE!!! They were finished by the time I got back home so it is quiet now. I take comfort in small things.

I left the doctor's office with about a million appointments and one of those little bottles of glucose that you have to drink. Fun. The last time I drank one of those things I had about an hour of feeling invincible followed by a crash that I can only imagine is what coming down from heroin feels like. I think I'm going to have King pick up the Prince from school the day I decide to do those labs.

My already neurotic cat is having a hard time with all the work men coming and going. The first day of construction I came home to a bunch of throw-up on the couch. He has been brushing up against my legs since I sat down and no matter how much I pet him he won't stop. He seems to know when I'm wearing black pants. I think he does this on purpose.

Worries

Do you ever just sit back and worry about all the stuff that you have to teach your kid? When I sit and think about it I actually feel ill. My son will be entering kindergarten in the fall. I'm preoccupied with making sure he knows his letters and numbers, minding his manners and listening to the teacher. But there is so much more he needs to know in life. I read a book by Howard Stern once and in it he said the only thing his father ever said to him was, "Don't be a schmuck." If only it were that easy.

How to I effectively communicate to him the dangers of drugs and alcohol? He's seen those anti-meth ads on TV and has asked me what it is. I've tried to tell him so his little mind can understand that there are drugs that make you feel better when you are sick and drugs that make you sick and turn you into a zombie. At what age do you really start talking about it?

When should I or more likely the King have the sex talk? My mother never said anything to me, she let me watch those silly reproduction movies in 6th grade and when I got my period all she ever said to me was, "Now you can't be a whore and screw around with the boys." Um, OK mom. Oh, and she also said if I ever got pregnant to never come home. That scared the holy crap out of me. Do I take that route? Do I just say the same thing? If you knock up a girl don't bother coming home? I was told very little about STD's and HIV/AIDS. Do you let the doctor do that? Should I show him a few pictures of what STD's look like?

See what I mean? This keeps me awake at night. How can I stress enough the importance of getting a good education and going to college? I can talk all I want until I'm blue in the face. I guess the real question here is, how do I get my kids to listen?

Maybe I'll just go with, "Don't be a schmuck."

Grounded

It is now hour five of the Prince's punishment. He was bad at school today, so much so that his teacher felt the need to call home at about 12:30 this afternoon because she forgot to mention it when my husband picked him up from school. Translation: he must have been one obnoxious MF-er today to warrant that phone call because his teacher is pretty laid back.

The problem is, I don't know who's faring worst from this punishment, him or me! We immediately said no Lego Star Wars Wii game today, because this equals violent death to him. He has asked to play about a million times today, each time met with a reminder of why he is not able to play. I've come to depend on that game. That game will occupy him for hours. Hours people, hours. Today I've been bombarded with every game/toy scenario you can think of. Me, who sucks at playing five year old boy games. (Barbies and beauty parlor are more my style, but alas, no girl.)

Hopefully he will be better tomorrow. I'm all out of game ideas. All I've got left for today is Play-Doh.

My PPD Experience

I keep telling myself how bad things are going to suck after the Little Prince is born. I feel like I have to keep reminding myself so I won't be deluded into thinking that everything will be rosy when in fact I know it won't be. Babies cry, poop and are demanding little shits. That's just the way things are. But I'm conflicted, you know?

For one thing I had zero, I mean zero experience with babies when the Prince was born. I didn't even know how to change a diaper. I had no idea how much my life would change with the addition of something so tiny, albeit loud as hell. Some women are born mothers, I'm just not one of them. I lived in Florida away from all of my family so I had no one to help me. It was like jumping into the deep end of a pool not knowing how to swim. I struggled to keep my head above the water. ( Not to mention our living arrangements at the time, which is a story in itself. We sold our small house when I was about seven months pregnant and then squatted at the King's parents house which they had abandoned due to a failed business. Every day I imagined getting evicted by the sheriff. After the Prince was about a month old we were finally able to move into our new house. Long story short, don't ever move with a newborn.)

I don't know if it was just having a baby, or having a baby plus moving, or the Prince's colic or just plain old rotten bad luck, but I developed some serious pain- in -the ass post-partum depression. I'm with Brooke Shields on this one, thank God for drugs. Tom Cruise can go to Hell. I never wanted to hurt the Prince, I just didn't want him. I would think of really crazy shit like going to the mall and giving him to the first person I saw and the go home and pretend we never had a baby to begin with. Yeah, like King wouldn't notice when he came home from work that the baby was missing! Or I would sit and think about running away, just leaving the King and the Prince and going to live back at my parent's house. Worst of all, I would think about jumping off of a bridge and killing myself. I even had the bridge picked out. Crazy, crazy stuff. I didn't want to do anything. I never wanted to get out of bed, get dressed, nothing was fun anymore. So I went to the doctor and got some damn Prozac. It worked. I'm still here, I learned to take care of a baby (trial by fire) and I love my son.

I keep telling myself that it is going to suck all over again, so I am prepared for the worst. I know a few things now that I didn't back then, so maybe, just maybe this time won't be so bad.

Lights Out, Uh-huh

We got an earlier start to the day than we usually do on Sundays. We were out of the house shortly after noon. Sunday is the dreaded (by me) grocery shopping day. We go as a family because we are insane. Actually, we go as a family because I am too lazy to write a list and the King is afraid to let me go alone for fear I will spend too much money. My husband has the uncanny ability to keep a running tally of things in the cart and he knows when we have reached our budgeted limit. I, on the other hand, just keep putting things in the cart that I think we need until I'm finished budget be damned. So, we all go. The Prince feeling as if he has to touch everything on the shelves, me putting stuff in the cart and the King taking stuff out of the cart. Family harmony.

So we finished shopping early, went home and put everything away and then went to get hair cuts. The guys got hair cuts, I just watched and cheered on the Prince for not freaking out. After hair cuts we decided to go to Jupiter's for pizza. I've never been there and was curious about their pizza. So, we go to the new one in Champaign, order our food and drinks and the King and the Prince play a game of air hockey. We get our drinks and after a few minutes the power goes out. It was very crowded, so we just sat there for a while hoping the power would come back on. It didn't. Most of the people had made their way back upstairs, so it was easy for us not to bump into anyone considering how dark it was. We kind of milled around by the bar for a few minutes and then the King went to find our server to try to at least pay for our drinks. They were totally clueless, so they just told us to go. Thanks Jupiter's for the free Pepsi!

By now we have an incredibly upset little boy who can't understand why we have to leave. I am upset too, only because I was starving. I wasn't an ass about it, I know it was beyond any one's control, but OMG I wanted some pizza. We decided to go to the Urbana Monical's instead. They had power. (Hooray!) We ate our fill of pizza and salad and the Prince told anyone who would listen about our Jupiter's experience.

All in all, not a bad day.

Ah, Nature

OK, so today it was actually warm enough to venture outside without a coat. I only wore a sweater and I was too warm in that. The Prince and I walked to the little neighborhood park that is just a few blocks away. I was hoping there would be some kids there, but it was just us. It was so nice to be outside and to hear all the birds chirping and to feel a warm sun on my face. I think it was just what I needed.

Feeling Low

It's no secret that King wanted another baby. I told anyone who was willing to listen that I was perfectly happy with just one. But, this being a marriage, negotiations took place, compromises were made and wouldn't ya know it, we're having another baby.

I don't think the sight of pregnant chicks does it for the King. This happened to me last time too. As soon as I had any noticeable belly I was avoided like the plague. It's happening again. I feel really bad. No affection. I am now kissed on the top of the head and I swear the man would shake my hand if that was all he could get away with. No hugs, if I go in for one it is returned grudgingly and for like two seconds. To him, I am one giant Cootie.

What really gets me is THAT HE DID THIS TO ME!!!!!!!! I mean, Goddamn you wanted the kid so freakin bad, how about a little support for the oven? Bad enough I'm feeling like a giant whale, couldn't you just pretend you want to hang out with me?

Needless to say, at this very moment, I'm mad at my husband.

A Few Names (And Numbers), Please

A confession. The King and I have not had a date in three years. The last time we had a date was shortly after moving to Urbana from Florida and my parents came to visit. We went out to dinner for our anniversary. We never go out by ourselves. Ever.

It is entirely my fault. I am paranoid beyond belief that if I leave my child with someone who is not a grandparent that I will come home and find:

1. A dead kid.
2. A kid beaten senseless.
3. A kid who has been beaten senseless, molested and murdered.
4. Blah, blah, blah whatever other horrible things my crazy ass paranoid beyond belief overprotective mother mind can conjure up.

Our families hardly ever come to visit us out here. So leaving the kid with the grandparents isn't really an option. I need to find a sitter.

Now, the question is , WHO? How do I find said sitter? It isn't like you open the phone book and look up babysitters in the yellow pages. (I looked). I want someone good. Reliable. Not some sixteen year old who is just going to invite a bunch of friends over and smoke weed in my family room. (I am guilty of this, except instead of weed it was beer. Lots and lots of beer.) I am open to suggestions.

Help!

The Day From Hell

Why is it that everything my son did this afternoon ended in a screaming fit of frustration? We had a great morning! Today the Prince's preschool class took a field trip to the Staerkel Planetarium at Parkland College. He really wanted me to go with him. We had a nice time, he held my hand when they turned out the lights so I wouldn't be afraid. This trip was preceded with a cupcake snack in the classroom courtesy of a classmate who's birthday is today. The morning was fun and the change in the usual routine welcomed.

Things started to fall apart after lunch. King left to go back to work and the tantrums began. What gets me is that they were over really stupid shit. The Lego Star Wars game on the Wii was pissing him off. Fine, I turned it off and said no more Wii today, you can play tomorrow when you've calmed down. We read some books together. Apparently, I wasn't reading the one story like I did last time, so that ended in a screaming fit. I was like, Son, how can you expect me to remember how I read this the last time, it's been months since we read this book. I can't remember what I had for breakfast this morning! The plots on the TV shows weren't what he wanted them to be, the OnDemand channels weren't showing what he wanted to watch, he didn't want Playdoh, trains, cars or trucks. (At this point I was understanding why some animals devour their young.) OK, time out in your room, hopefully you'll nap. Nope.

Tomorrow better be a better day or else I'm running away.

Eeeeww Gross!!!!

OMG, Urbana is infamous. Perez Hilton picked up on the story that someone has been flushing placentas down the toilet. Yes, that Perez Hilton. I think when someone asks me I am going to say that I live in Philo.