Bye Dad

My dad passed away this morning in his sleep. I don't know what else to say.

I Don't Even Know What To Call This

Well, I just did something really depressing. I went and bought a dress for my father's funeral. I spoke to my mom yesterday and she is now getting 24 hour hospice care because the hospice nurse seems to think that he is declining quickly. He isn't eating, just sleeping most of the time. So how long can a person go without eating? Not long. I'm glad because the liquid morphine seems to be working on his pain, so at least he isn't in any pain.

Why haven't I high tailed it to NJ already? I've been asked not to come. My dad is mortified that he is bedridden and has declined all visitors. I am to stay away until after he passes. I feel bad about that, but I am going to listen to him (for once) and let him die on his own terms.

This is so awful there are no words.

Winter Can Just Suck It!

I need it to be Spring. I need to see flowers and green things. I know I have a while to go, but I was given a tiny shred of hope the other day when I saw a robin on Elm St. in Urbana that maybe Spring will come early this year.

I always get this way about this time every year, except when I lived in Florida. Back then I was the bitch who called everyone up North and said, "It's snowing there? Twelve inches? Ha-ha, its sunny and 75 degrees here!" Then we moved to give my son a better shot at an education that didn't involve over crowded schools and teachers who couldn't pass the state standardized tests.

I'm already thinking about the kinds of flowers I'm going to plant and how nice it will be to feel the warm sun on my face. So, hurry up Spring and if that stupid groundhog sees his shadow don't pay any attention to him!

Something I Read In The Paper Today

I was bored today so I read the newspaper. The whole paper, front to back. I usually just read the headlines and Dear Abby and Carolyn Hax. I like the advice they give. Sometimes I agree with it, sometimes I don't. Oh, and I also read that Reluctant Townie guy, even though I haven't yet forgiven him for saying that people with dimples in their chins have a "butt chin." ( I have a dimple and yes, I took that one personally.)

On the last page of the Living section today I read column called Millie Otto: My Amish Home. I guess it's maybe like the society page in the New York Post for Amish people? Anyway, the woman was talking about a man who recently died and how he will be missed. The next sentence really jumped out at me, she said "But God makes no mistakes." One of the things that strikes me about this woman's sentence is how sure she is.

I wish I could be as sure as this woman. In a way I'm kind of jealous. How comforting it would be to me to know that my father is dying of cancer for a reason. That all the fucked up shit that happens to you happens for a reason. But no, I question things to no end. I can't help it. I can't believe that God wants my dad to have cancer and die. I just can't.

Inauguration A La The Prince

This morning I was very excited that today was Inauguration Day. Most people are excited because Barack Obama is the first African-American president and history has been made and all that, but I am excited because I will never have to look at W's face ever again. The man was an ass (this is my blog, these are my opinions, too bad if you don't like what I am saying). I would cringe every time he made a speech. What word would he butcher? What word would he make up? Why does he always have that goofy grin on his face? Did he just sniff some glue? So anyway, I was excited this morning.

I was trying to explain to the Prince why I was happy, what was going to happen today and what it all meant. After the King and I finished explaining the Prince summarized: Barack Obama gets to move into the White House and the old guy has to move out.

Don't let the door hit you in the ass, W.

Another Depressing Post About My Dad

My mother called me last night and told me that my father is very depressed. She asked me if I would talk to him because it makes him feel better. I call and speak to him almost every day, and wouldn't you know it, yesterday was the one day I didn't call. So I felt like crap. His cordless phone needed to be charged and he didn't feel like getting out of bed to go to the other phone so I ended up not speaking to him yesterday anyway even though that was the original reason for my mom's call.

I called him this morning as soon as I was finished eating breakfast. I thought if I got to him early enough he would feel like talking. He only talks a little bit and then hands me off to my mother now.

My mother is doing better than I thought she would be doing, I just hope she doesn't go off the deep end after he passes away. I don't know if I could handle that.

Am I Really Going To Have Another One Of These?

Since I have absolutely nothing to write about, here's a video of the Prince when he was a baby. Be sure to note the overly large head (like an orange on a toothpick), hiccups and bit of a temper. That is King you hear giggling in the back round.

Has This Ever Happened To You?

Ow. Ow. Ow. Holy crap, ow! I have been getting these sharp pulling sensations in my lower abdomen and sides for the past few weeks. I've mentioned it to my doctor and she said it was called round ligament pain and it was because my expanding uterus is pulling on my ligaments. Whatever. All I know is that it freakin' hurts like hell. The thing I don't understand is that it didn't happen the first time around, which is when I would expect it to happen because my uterus was teeny tiny then and I was seven months along before I even looked pregnant. If I was going to feel things stretching you'd think it would have been then.

The doctor told me that when it happens to just lay down for a while. This kills me. Doesn't she realize that I have another child? Two if you count the King :). Laundry needs to be done, meals need to be cooked. Lay down! Ha!

I wonder if I am going to feel this the entire pregnancy? Hopefully this too will pass like the morning sickness.

Another Reason Why I Think Cancer Sucks

My dad started on hospice yesterday. In a way I'm glad that it is available and that it will be a help to my mom, but I am down because in order for someone to be eligible for hospice a doctor has to say they have six months or less left to live.

I'm not really sure all that will be done for him, I haven't had a really good conversation with either my mom or my dad in the past few days, every time I call they seem busy/unable/unwilling to talk about it. I do know that he will be getting a hospital bed so he can sleep more elevated since he has been having trouble breathing lately. Hopefully they will be able to administer better pain medications, maybe through a line or something and give my dad's stomach a break.

So, I hope that he likes the person who will be coming to the house. I hope the bed is comfy. I'll have more to say when I finally get to talk to him.

Still The Lone Hen In The Coop

That loud sigh of relief you may have heard earlier today was King's wallet. We had a sonogram earlier today and we found out we are having another boy. I still have most of the Prince's baby clothes, so I will not have to buy a lot of stuff at first. The test was normal, everything looked OK, so big sigh of relief there. I am a worrier, so I was freaking myself out that there might be something wrong, like he had two heads or was hideously deformed. Last night I was sure I was going to be told that I am having twins, but there is only one baby in there and it has boy parts.

I think I may have to adopt a girl cat to even things up a bit around here.

I Like To Move It, Move It.

My son has been playing Lego Star Wars since 2:30pm. It is now 4:24 pm. WOW! But that's not what this post is about, I was just reminding you of his addiction.

What I really wanted to complain about is the fact that I haven't felt my baby move yet. Some of the books and articles I've read said that I should be able to. I've been laying quietly, concentrating really hard on my stomach to see if I will feel anything, a bubble, a flutter, nothing! Sometimes I think I just have horrible bloating gas with it's own heartbeat. I guess I'll see tomorrow at the sonogram. I'm so excited to find out whether it's a boy or girl that I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight.

I know that in a month or two I'll be complaining about the fact that the kid does gymnastics every time I try to fall asleep, but for now I'd like it to be a little more real, you knw?

Leverage

My sonny boy is addicted to the Lego Star Wars game for the Wii. He plays every day for hours. Sometimes I check on him to make sure he's still alive. He breaks for food and to go to the bathroom. Nothing else matters, unless it's watching the Star Wars movies. He only has the names of two characters down pat, he knows Darth Vader and Yoda, everyone else is the Guy. Oh, and last night I had to explain to him that Chewbacca is not a giant dog, he is in fact a Wookie. He calls C3PO The Big Robot and R2D2 The Little Robot. For some reason, he only wants to watch the 'old' Star Wars movies, he could care less about the prequels. I was given the synopsis of Return Of The Jedi the other night, it went something like this: "The dad died because he took off his helmet and then they made a fire out of his body. The end." Uh, OK, what about the Ewoks? Don't you care about them? What about Lando blowing up the unfinished Death Star? What about Princess Leah choking the life out of Jabba the Hutt? And my absolute favorite scene when Luke Skywalker is fighting the Rancor at Jabba's palace? Nope, I get the dad died because he took off his helmet. Whatever man!

Finally though, finally I have something to hold over his head!! The Force is finally with me!! I can finally get this kid to listen to me! Thank you George Lucas, thank you! My son will now behave because if he doesn't there will be no Star Wars anything. Life is good.

I Start Celebrating The Day Before

So, here's me and the Prince before we went to brunch this morning at Jim Gould. It was very nice, the food was great (I really enjoyed the salad selections) and the Prince really loved the jazz band. He got a kick out of putting a dollar in the tip jar. Oh, we went to celebrate my birthday which is tomorrow. I will be 35. I don't want to talk about it.

Surprisingly, this is my 100th post. Already!

Some Thoughts On Phone Calls, Spring And Blogging

I try to talk to my dad every day. Sometimes he is sleeping so I don't get to talk to him. But I try to get in at least one good conversation a day. I felt bad for him today when he told me that a lot of his friends seem to be staying away. He sounded really down. What do you say? I told him that they probably don't want to bother him if he is resting or uncomfortable so they don't just stop in like before. It made me mad though. OK, so you don't stop by the house, but can't you still pick up the phone for a quick call. Hi, how ya doing? The only thing I could come up with after I hung up the phone is that men don't think like women. A woman would call.

I think winter should be over immediately after Christmas. I'm ready for spring. I realize I have a ways to go. I'm so sick of the brown dead grass view from my windows. Bring on the green, it's much prettier.

I've come to realize from reading these blogs that everyone has problems, some worse than others, but still. You think your life sucks and then you read someone else's post and you're like, well hey, maybe my life's not so bad after all. It's a good way to not feel sorry for yourself.

Merry New Year (Happy New Year)

I always get into a little bit of a funk on New Year's Day. The holidays are so anti-climactic. I took down the Christmas decorations today. I will be sad to see them go, the lights are a welcome sight in these cold dreary days, but I'm also glad to have the space back in the family room.

The Prince decided he wanted to stay up until midnight last night to watch the ball drop. He had no idea what we were talking about so he wanted to see it for himself. I think he was a little disappointed. He was very excited by the fact that we let him bang two pot lids together and make more noise than is usually allowed in my presence. I gave them both kisses and then went to bed. My husband and I don't usually make a big deal out of the New Year. We did go out for the Millennium celebration, just in case the world was about to end. Remember that craziness? Nothing was going to work, it was going to be the end of the world as we knew it. If the world was about to end, dammit we were going to watch some fireworks! And we did. That was the last time we ever did anything for New Year's.

I have things to look forward to this year. I will have a new baby before the summertime. We are going to finish our basement. George W. Bush will no longer be the President. My son will be finished with nursery school and we won't have to pay tuition anymore! Hooray!

I am also dreading the fact that this is probably going to be the year that I lose my dad. I'm trying not to think about it, but sometime this year I will most likely be going to a funeral. Unless there is a miracle, at which time you all will get very annoyed with how pious I've become.

So, anyway, Happy New Year to all! 2008 really sucked for a lot of people. Let's hope that 2009 is a lot better!